Saturday, February 14, 2015

Valentine's Day: An Honest Opinion!

Why Valentine's Day is a drag for me.

Another Valentine's Day and I'm dreading it yet again. I am in a bit of sadness. I am not shedding tears and throwing things around. I am pretty much annoyed and volatile. I am just bottled up and volcanic. I am just waiting to explode. But I have to realize that the volcano could be capped. The best way to cap it is to express it in words.

One thing about relationships that everyone knows: It's extremely complicated.

See I am the type that bottles up my feelings and emotions. I was a bit of a tear jerker when I was younger. My dad and mom would often make me feel like I am a failure. I used to feel like my parents weren't supportive of me. 

To this day, I am extremely reclusive and distant. 

I don't hardly speak to my parents, my sister and other family members.

I often worked a lot and went out every Friday and Saturday. I often would meet women at the bar, the club, the social media and the job. Among each time, I've met them, I've learned to like them and trust them. I have experience heartbreak one too many times. Sometimes I feel like it's my fault for what happens.

I am the dreaded nice guy. I feel like I'm a doormat. They'll walk over me. I was never like this. I would often be hardline and self confidant.

I recently was doing the online dating thing. I met four women during this experience. Each of them were terrible. I gave this online dating thing another opportunity. The one that I felt was compatible to me managed to hurt me the most. I thought this one could be the relationship I've long asked for.

But alas, it's not.

I will use her first name and first letter of her name in this. The person is real and the events are told through my perspective. If this applies to you then it's consequential. 

Okay, this woman I met on Badoo was named Jessica V.  At the time, I was not looking for relationships. I was working two jobs and I was interested in purchasing a vehicle and looking for a house.

I met her in late July.

I met her at a discount clothing store. She asked if I would meet her at a local restaurant. I kindly agreed to it. So I met her and her two "friends". After eating she would ask if I was interested in bowling. Of course, I said. I wasn't doing much. I was upset with a woman that I was associated with after she stood me up. I figured that what's the harm?

After bowling we parted ways. She would later ask if I was going to spent the night with her. At first, I was extremely cautious about this. I was not ready to have sex with her without getting to know her.

I told her that I was not interested. I had to work in the morning. We'll I had second thoughts. Sure, I'll come through. So Jessica V. lived in the city of Carlisle, Ohio. A city that was 20 miles from where I lived. I had to travel some pretty isolated roads to get to her apartment complex. 

I came over and met her with the biggest smile on my face. I would often blush if I am really interested in the woman.

I would get to know her and her past. She recently got out of a relationship with a man. She claimed that he cheated on her with another woman and she had to "cut him loose". She said that she's not into a one night stand on the first date. That brought much relief to me. So we cuddled until the morning. 

So we had a few dates and done frequent texting and calls. I am not a big phone person, but I didn't mind her calling. I often would feel relaxed when I called her. I told her the two basic things I want if I was in a relationship with her.

I said that as long as that child is mine and you don't bring it home, then we're cool. The "don't bring it home" reference is to a sexually transmitted infection.

I didn't care what she done. I wasn't ready for a relationship at the time. She would often ask me to do favors for her. She was experience money woes. I would loan her money. I would offer her gifts. I gave her roses, twice. 

All the while, she was being deceiving. She apparently wasn't over her boyfriend. She would have sex with him.

Well one day, she would text me an urgent message. I asked her what the issue was. She said that she wanted to tell me in person. So I would head over to her apartment. We kissed and embraced for a moment. She would play this guessing game on what the urgency was. 

So I would look at the table and notice pamphlets for pregnancy. So I asked, are you pregnant?

She calmed said yes.

I was shocked. I was upset. I was not interested in dating women who were pregnant. I didn't want to raise another man's child and be suckered into child support. After a few minutes of arguing, I decided that I am not going to say anything else. I would leave and not look back. 
I am not a doormat.

She would frantically call and tell me that she didn't want to lose me. She said that she "cared" for me. I didn't want to believe that. I wanted to move forward. I was sad. I was almost driven to tears.

Here I thought this woman was single and not pregnant. I asked her multiple times are you pregnant during our first two weeks of knowing each other.

Jessica V. lied. And this lying became a habitual thing. As I am a caring person, I gave her three options. I said that you are responsible for this decision. I can't stop you from having a child. But I will not be in your life if you do. She thought about abortion. I told her that I wasn't supportive of abortion. I dealt with this stuff back when I dated a woman from Troy. She said that she would do it just to keep me as her friend. I told her that I don't agree with it, but I can't stop her. 

We embraced and parted ways. 

In October we would have our first sexual encounter. She abruptly left. She was upset that she went against her word about having one night stands. I told her that I deeply care about her. I didn't want to lose her. I was just going through a lot of things and I didn't want to be tied down.

Now during this time, I lost my job at the racino. I felt that I wasn't going to be the man she wanted to be with. I told her that my biggest fears are failure and rejection (heartbreak). I told her that I will do all I can to achieve my goals. I told her for the time being, I didn't want to settle down. 

Well it coming around the time of the holidays. I asked that if she was to do something for me, I asked her to meet my parents. That was the only thing I've asked for her. I thought that would be the perfect time to acknowledge her as a girlfriend.

Well as the holidays came, she didn't do it. She had an excuse for everything. She worked. She wanted to be around her family. She wasn't ready yet. Okay. Cool. I understand. Unbeknownst to me, she was dating a guy she met a Walmart. She had the opportunity to spend time with him and his family but not me.

Around early January, the calls and texts stopped. I was wondering what was going on. I texted and called. I got voice mail and unanswered texts. So I thought that I done something wrong. I immediately decided to mingle. I had an opportunity to hook up with a woman that I worked with a the racino that I had mutual feelings for. I blew that one because I told her that I was dating someone else. I text a long message to Jessica V.

Jessica. Why are you ignoring me? You know I am truly for you. I am amazed and sadden. I knew this would happen. I became a doormat and you walked over me. I don't ask for much. All I ask for is time and trust. Because I didn't want to rush into things, you shut me down. I said that I've been hurt too many times being a "nice guy". I looked out for you countless times. And what do I get for it? Nothing. I love you Jessica. It's just a matter to how I address it without feelings of failure and rejection. I will not shed tears. But I will be a lot emptier without you.

A few days later, Jessica V. would call. She told me that she was in the hospital. I asked her why?

She wouldn't tell me and I respected that. All of sudden, I tried to reach her through the social networks. I couldn't reach her through Facebook, because she blocked me.

I asked numerous times why Jessica V. was blowing me off? She comes up with I'm busy and I just hanging out with friends. 

So I asked her to meet me somewhere so can talk face to face. She blew me off. 

So I went to texting again. 

This is going to be a long text. I am texting you one more time. I haven't bothered calling because you ain't answering. I can't reach you through Facebook because yo blocked me. I told you how I felt about you and I laid my cards on the table. I got the cold shoulder. You ignored every opportunity. I am not going to bother you if you ain't responding. I understand that you been in the hospital, but based on broken promises, I don't believe anything you say to me. I am still not convinced. Maybe I am overracting but based on promises I don't have faith in you. So I extend this opportunity to work out these things. Cause I am tired of being used and given excuses. I would never have spend a dime on you if I didn't like you. I ask one more time to see you on Monday. I'm free. I want to talk and air out these things. This is the last time. If don't want to associate with me, cool. We move forward. The choice is yours. I don't play games. There's too many women willing to be my friend and eventually my girlfriend. I don't rush into things. I'm being bold and blunt. I am not going through a pity party cause of heartbreak. I deserve a good woman. If you ain't that person, then who are you?

So I got this opportunity to talk to her. She was on bedrest. She didn't want to hug me or even kiss me. I asked her why? She just told me she's not feeling well and I'll be in the hospital until March.

She said that she didn't "block" me on Facebook and I was just overracting.

Okay, cool I accept that. I asked if there's anything I can do. She told me that it will come in due time.

So few weeks pass and I asked how she doing! No response. So I call and leave countless messages.

No response.

So once again I decided to mingle. I went to the social networks to find a few women. I went on a few dates. These women were not attractive.  They were HUGE disasters. So I decided to not worry about it. I kept a relatively low profile and focused on working. 

Like all men and women scorned, I create a fake profile on Facebook to see if she was really telling the truth about Facebook. I noticed a medical band on her hand and thought nothing of it.

Well Jessica V. called this past few days. I asked her why was she avoiding me! She didn't come out with the truth. So I asked again, "You're not pregnant right!" 

Jessica V. paused and said, Yes! I gave birth to my son while I was at the hospital.

I was shocked and saddened! 

How could she lie to me?

She said that she couldn't have an abortion. She knew that we both didn't support it and it was going to be a devastating life change.  

She knew that if I found out, I would be devastated and end all ties with her.

She told me that her son died at birth. He was a stillborn. He was seven or eight months in. Just about the time I've associated with Jessica V. 

So I was upset. I was mad. But I was forgiving. However I lost all trust for her and I was ready to move on. 

I texted her.

I can forgive you... And I am serious, I really forgive you! However, I can never trust you. You lie.

Even if you do all you can to prove that you are trustworthy, it will be hard. I want to move forward.

You can't keep your word nor understand my plight.

I figured the reasons why I never show my feelings is because I felt like it's a weakness. I am not going to shed tears. I'm going to dust myself off and try again. I will find the right one.

I am a human being first, everything else last.

How I knew you were lying is the fact that I can't reach you through social media. Like I told you, you have blocked me because you didn't want me to find out.

Eight months down the drain.

I LOVE YOU.

You don't love me....

I'm ready to move forward!

She replies that she loves me. I rejected that I told her that I can forgive but I can't trust you. You don't love me because what type of person would lie about something as big as this?

So I asked one more time to see me. Scratch that. I told her that I want to see her now. I gave her an ultimatum. If she fails at this, we move forward. She said that she will come and see me. 

So that day came. Time passes by. She would call saying that she had to see her friends and she will make me a top priority after that. Soon after it was getting late. I called her. I asked what's taking so long. She told me that she's going through a coping phase. I said okay, go home. No, I am going to see you. I just want to clear my head first. 

Well I had enough. I had to let her have it. I told her that I've exhausted all I can. I told her that I want a GOOD woman. I want to raise a family. I want to be happy. 

I admit it's my fault. I do tend to be quite stubborn. But due to the fact that I've been hurt too many times, I have to be this way. I wasted my time chasing.

She responded by saying that she wants to be left alone.

So I left her no choice. I told her that I wish her well.

My condolences to you on losing your son. The pain of losing a child is more than anything I can imagine. I can heart with her. But based on broken promises and continued lies, I am done. I am moving one.

My feelings having change for you. You have. I am done with the lies, the deception and the broken promises. I am wasting my time.

I did everything right but ignored the obvious. Maybe now I will require standards when meeting women.

I'm sadden by this. She tells me that she's not like every other person. But yet, Jessica V. proven to be a user and a liar. I never sugar coat my feelings. I gave up a lot of females who I really had feelings for just to be in a committed relationship. A relationship with her.

She changed me. She changed me for the better. I promise you this. 

She doesn't want to talk to me and wants to be left alone. I respect that. But this will be the last time I contact with her. As of now, I have removed all contacts and I will move forward. 

I've been single most of my life. I can wait a little longer.

I guess what I am saying! I just thought that one day will come when I eventually will settle down.

But today, it's another challenge ahead. So I keep the faith and move on.....

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